Vol. 1, Issue 16, September 2, 2003
The Joy of Liquid Shrimp!

Army Admits Testing Suits On Children "Not Very Smart"

Faced with incontrovertible evidence, including widely broadcast media footage, the Army finally admitted that it had used children to field-test the new "Scorpion" enhanced combat suit.

"We sincerely regret having undertaken this course of action, for obvious reasons," said General Pete Schoomaker, Army Chief of Staff. "Obviously, in retrospect, we should have explored other options more diligently before turning to the use of children."

The Scorpion suit is an advanced technological uniform being developed at the Institute of Soldier Nanotechnologies (ISN) at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology for the military. It includes state of the art carbon-nanotubule body armor and integrated hydraulic strength assist systems, using a newly developed control system. The suit enhances strength, speed and endurance dramatically, and is intended to give the next generation of American infantrymen a significant, if not unsurpassable, advantage in the field.

Due to the limited quantities of the carbon nanotubule material, production of full-sized suits is not yet feasible. However, the technical nature of the suit controls makes testing on animals impractical. Hence, the Army secretly arranged for three miniature suits to be tested on preschoolers.

"All ethical considerations aside - and believe me, they are profound, and will be dealt with - it must be admitted that outfitting four year olds with the Scorpion suits was not a particularly intelligent or well thought-through plan," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan, glaring at a visibly uncomfortable Schoomaker.

"We did not in fact anticipate that the beta versions of the suits would work," said Schoomaker. "But they are apparently fully functional."

As seen in recent media reports, the three preschoolers now have the ability to bench press several tons, run at forty miles per hour, and fly for limited distances. They are also nearly indestructible and protected from hazards such as tear gas by the suits' self-contained environmental systems.

"They have taken up position in a family pizza restaurant and amusement center," said Schoomaker. "We have decided not to attempt to dislodge them from the Chuck E Cheese; instead we will allow them to remain there until the suit batteries wear down next week." Previous efforts by the National Guard to take the children into custody have resulted in an estimated $36 million in damage to the cities of Cambridge and Boston, not counting the tanks hurled into the bay.

"Talk about being a victim of your own success," said ISN director Edwin Thomas.

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