Vol. 1, Issue 15, August 26, 2003
A Turn In The Trenches
My role in the Production of this Fine Publication has always been one of Inspiration rather than Perspiration: I have endeavored to Become the very Epitome of an Editor, serving as the Linchpin of this hard-working News Organization. And yet, as I sat in my red leather Chair the other day pondering the World Outside my Window, it occured to me that there is a Danger in distancing oneself from the Troops. I was Mindful of the fact that Napoleon, diminutive Apex of European Glory in his day, nonetheless partook of the same Meals as his Soldiery, the better to understand how his Ranks fared. Shall I do less than he?
What noble Inspiration I might provide by departing from my Routine and joining the Lads in the Newsroom, bustling center of Journalistic Industry! My mind was made up: I grasped a Notebook and Pen, the very sword and shield of the Media Gadfly, and marched directly into our Newsroom.
What story to write about? - There could be but One: the dreaded onslaught of the twin scourges of our Youth, the Sobig and Blaster Viruses. For I had heard at the Club that these pathogenic Monstrosities were laying Low our Nation, and I would thus Describe the Horrors of its Passage; a Human Interest piece, as it were. A devastated Populace; our brave Medical Men heroically Combating the Scourge: the drama is suitable for Euripides himself. Onward then!
My nephew Ephram was partaking of his usual Post-Prandial Nap; which succeeds his later Morning nap, and precedes his afternoon Siesta. But a few short Prods with my Walking stick aroused his interest, and my Interview Began! With the reported devastation of these Viruses, I was sure Ephram knew someone Affected; and I did not let my Quarry go. Turning aside his usual request for an extra Twenty, I pounced: What of the Sobig virus? What of the Blaster? Tell me, dear Ephram, of your poignant Pain - who has been laid Low?
Alas, I feared he was in the very Throes of the Disease himself; for he did but Blink at me as though I were speaking Chaldean instead of the King's English. But a Reporter is not Dissuaded! - A few more gentle Prods of the Stick enticed him to say that we are Immune to the dreaded Plagues, because we use Apples.
Now I know that an Apple a Day is efficacious in the maintenance of one's Health; but I had no idea the simple Fruit could stave off the Onslaught of such a Disease. Astonished, I looked about for the Fruit, but saw only empty Bottles and such Food Wrappings as becomes a modern Bachelor. I asked if he had any Left, that I might fortify my Own Self; and he did but Stare again - perhaps in Pity at my Fruitless Plight. "Uncle Zeke, we've eaten them all. You'd better get back in your office to stay safe until the Plague blows over."
Bless Ephram for his Concern! I am securely back in my Study, perhaps not having finished my Article, but having learned a Valuable Prophylactic against the terrible Diseases plaguing us to-day. When my assistant Elisabeth returns from Vacation next week, I shall instruct her to purchase some Apples for me; and in the Meanwhile, I'll stay in here, comfortable with plentiful supplies of Tobacco and Scotch, and continue to serve in my Role as Inspiration for the Troops.