Vol. 1, Issue 14, August 19, 2003
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot

New York Reports Thousands of UFO Sightings During Blackout

The blackout which gripped much of the Northeast late last week has prompted thousands of unidentified flying object (UFO) sightings in the metropolitan New York City area.

"We have received reports of innumerable pinpoints of light which appeared to be hovering over the city," said Peter Davenport, director of the National UFO Reporting Center. "Most people described them as being somewhat similar to airplane lights, but stationary."

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg addressed the sightings in a press conference last Sunday.

"We have indeed been informed of these sightings, and we are looking into them," Bloomberg said. "There is no indication at this time that the strange lights seen in the sky had anything to do with the blackout, but I am informed that a full investigation is underway."

With the cause of the blackout still undetermined, theories abound speculating that the lights may have been terrorist in origin. However, the Department of Homeland Security dismisses these claims.

"From all the reports I've seen, these lights were hovering in the sky, nearly immobile," said Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge. "Moreover, there were supposedly thousands of them. It is considered highly unlikely that any terrorist organization has the technological capability or the resources to suspend thousands of vehicles or other light-producing devices over any portion of the continental United States. The most likely explanation appears to be extraterrestrials." When asked to clarify, Ridge demurred on the grounds that such matters are "not part of my jurisdiction."

"It was really strange," said Brooklyn resident Greg Fordunsky. "Tiny, twinkling lights scattered across the nighttime sky. I mean, it was kind of pretty, in a way, but in the back of your mind you're wondering what those lights are doing up there, and it made me really uneasy."

The sightings stopped when power was restored to the city. There is no explanation as to why the pinpoints of light vanished when electricity was restored, and the familiar pale gray glow returned to the previously darkened sky.

"I am asking Albany for $200 million to investigate these sightings," said Bloomberg. "I really think addressing this issue appropriately is a vital step towards ensuring our city's economic recovery."

Reporters were unable to continue this story due to repeated crank calls from the American Astronomical Society.

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