Vol. 1, Issue 13, August 12, 2003
A Peerless Liniment Experience
Perplexing Times

To Run, Or Not To Run - Alas, I Must

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

I have now for many a Year resided in the Eureka State, this oft-Maligned but historically Noble state of California; having first Moved here at the behest of my Physician, such that the Clean Air and Healthful Living should wrest my pale Complexion back from the brink of bodily Despair and instill some Vigor and Color into my very Marrow. And as some of you who follow local News may perhaps have Noted, the Highest Office in our land is coming up for Populist Vote.

Now as a leading Citizen of the State I must ponder my own Suitability for the Task. In point of fact, the estimable Barkeep at the local Pub - home to excellent Brews from noble Britain - has called me "Gov" for many a Year. "Hey Gov," he cries as I stride through the Door, umbrella Jauntily Hung from my Left Arm, hat swept off in genteel Response! - An Inspiring Tableau! - So clearly the common Citizenry finds me Suitable.

But are there not Others just as Capable as I to wear this heavy Mantle of Responsibility? The Austrian fellow running for the Grand Old Party? The silver-haired fellow writing Cheques that neither his Ego nor his Treasury can cash? No, and No, I must declare. I Shall declare!

And so after several glasses of excellent Scotch I must concede that it is not only Possible, but indeed my Duty to declare Candidacy for this most High Office of California's Executive Branch of the Government. I shall of Course be running on the estimable Bull Moose ticket which brought dear young Teddy Roosevelt nigh unto the Brink of success. I shall not be hampered by Technicalities of actually getting on the Ballot, but trust that the Intelligent and Thoughtful Voters shall see fit to pen in the name of Ezekiel F. Watley as a Write-In Candidate for Governor.

My qualifications are of course beyond Question; years of devoted Service as a Barrister on Retainer for some of the finest Firms in the nation - but I am not here to Speak of Myself. Rather, let me Tantalize you, the Voter, with a smattering of Issues that I am even now working out on foolscap:

  • Taxes - Watch for a most Novel and Inventive Plan, which shall Dispense with our unfair and loophole-prone System entirely and operate on strictly Alphabetical terms.
  • Energy - Steam is as Plentiful as Ever; and I shall ensure that proper Research enables every Man, Woman, and Child to power light-bulbs with hot cups of Tea.
  • Spanish In Our Schools - The linguistic Challenges faced by our increasingly bilingual State are Clearly the result of insufficient Dickens. I shall ensure that even the Poorest of students have enough Copies of "A Tale Of Two Cities" for their every Pal and Crony.

There are so many Other things to address, and I shall Surely bring you all up to Speed as they Occur. I entreat every One of you to write in E.F. Watley for the Bull Moose Party when this special Election shall take place. I promise to Serve with both Pomp and Circumstance.

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