Vol. 1, Issue 9, July 8, 2003
Dr. Watson Cures All.

Disney Sting raises Legal, Ethical Issues

The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals is considering the legality of evidence gathered by the F.B.I. in a widespread investigation of the Disney corporation.

"The intrusion of the Federal Bureau of Investigation into the American corporate icon that is Disney, is both morally repugnant and legally untenable," said Disney attorneys in a prepared statement this morning. "The F.B.I. has clearly engaged in illicit and fraudulent activities to pursue this pointless investigation, and ought to be disciplined accordingly."

At issue is the alleged impersonation of Disney CEO Michael Eisner by a variety of unnamed federal agents between January and March 2003. According to court documents, the agents managed to obtain Eisner's personal cellphone number and email address, which they then used in a wide variety of communications to Disney employees, other companies, and the government in an apparent effort to gauge the extent of Eisner's power.

The evidence gathered as part of the investigation has been sealed pending decision by the court. However, previously leaked documents indicate that the agents impersonating Mr. Eisner achieved astonishing results.

"As Mr. Eisner, we found that we were able to make requests and issue orders which strongly imply that his authority extends alarmingly beyond that of a normal Fortune 500 CEO," say the documents. "Simple requests from Eisner's email address were able to initiate a damaging federal investigation into rival entertainment company Nickelodeon; a nuclear attack on an unnamed south Pacific island; and three political assassinations.

"In addition, fifty-five ABC affiliates were induced to produce glowing reviews of a Disney movie that had not in fact been released, or even made," said the documents.

Disney lawyers shrugged aside the notion that Eisner could have initiated a nuclear strike or assassinations as "irrelevant."

"Whether or not Mr. Eisner - our beloved Patriarch - could have pulled off what the FBI alleges, is not the issue," they said. "Anyone who knows what is in their best interests will surely concur that this identity theft and unwarranted sting operation are the real illegal activities here."

Court proceedings were held up as seventeen witnesses for the government apparently disappeared yesterday.

"Tsk, tsk. How unfortunate," said Eisner in a press conference. "What a shame."

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