Vol. 1, Issue 6, June 17, 2003
A Peerless Liniment Experience
Humorfeed

DEA Breaks Up Coke Distribution Ring in Atlanta

The Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) today announced completion of a major three-year operation, resulting in the discovery of the largest coke distribution network in the southeastern United States.

"We have evidence that this operation, which uses the street name 'Coca-Cola,' is one of the largest in the world," said DEA spokesman Judson Frankel. "It has distribution centers throughout the country, and indeed the world; we believe as many as 74,000 people may have been involved."

Eight men from Atlanta, GA were arrested yesterday and face charges including drug possession and smuggling. DEA officials say they ran the southeastern American part of an international drug smuggling ring.

The ringleaders of the organization, chairman of the board Douglas N. Daft and Francisco Molina, were arrested in Aspen two weeks ago and are being held in Colorado pending their transfer to Atlanta, where they will face drug-related and money-laundering charges. Because large quantities of hazardous materials were stored at the main facility, the Environmental Protection Agency has cordoned off the area. The area will probably be designated a Superfund site following the investigation.

Officials at Coca-Cola maintain that their product has not contained any actual cocaine since 1903, with the exception of a brief period in 1985 when the formula was changed and marketed as the "New Coke."

"At that point in time, cocaine use had become so prevalent we thought it had become legalized again," admitted Coca-Cola vice president Irving Hennessey.

Three trucks were confiscated, containing enough product for an estimated street value of $2 million (including the trucks). In addition, several vending machines were unplugged.

"We are pleased that the DEA has finally managed to act against this nefarious, perfidious, and pervasive operation," said Steven S. Reinemund, a businessman from Purchase, NY who was instrumental in helping the DEA build its investigation over the past several years. "Hopefully this will open the door for more wholesome products, for those who think young or are looking for products with a twist."


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